Do you sometimes wonder why you are unable to be free from worry and doubt or why it's difficult for you to find stability in your relationships? You're not alone. We find that many people ask themselves to some degree, "Do the people in my life have a problem with me or with my actions?" You might feel weird and uneasy about yourself and your behavior around people. Simply stated, we describe this as a fear of being judged by others. We believe this is the result of some form of self-judgment.
It's very difficult to feel comfortable or stable when you are worried about other people's judgments of you or you're in the process of judging yourself. We call these Moralistic Judgments because they focus on who's "right" and who's "wrong," who's acting "appropriately" and who's acting "inappropriately."
If you find yourself doing this, it seems that all of these Moralistic Judgments are turned inward, toward yourself.
We've never seen self-judgment cause anything but doubt, insecurity, confusion, fear, etc. (When judgments are turned outward towards others they tend to generate feelings of anger, mistrust, frustration, etc.)Most of us are raised in a culture that teaches us to use moralistic judgment as the way we control people's behavior. These judgments are used to determine who gets punished and who gets rewarded as we grow up. Don Miguel Ruiz, in his book The Four Agreements, describes this as the process of domesticating our children. It's the same process we use to domesticate animals.
The biggest problem we see with this system is that it strips people of a true sense of their autonomy--the ability to choose their actions wisely according to their internal set of values. Instead, we learn to choose how we behave based on the reward offered or the punishment threatened by those in positions of authority.
When we're raised without learning how to exercise our true autonomy we are left with only two options: we can either submit or rebel. (Think about the "terrible-twos"--that time during child development when the emergence of our true autonomous human nature clashes with the cultural process of domesticating our children.)
If we are only left with submission and rebellion as our options, the worst cases are that:
A person becomes a doormat, always placing other people's interests and desires before their own.
They become a rageoholic, using domination as the only way they know to meet their needs.
Or they may swing between these extremes, passive-aggressive in some situations and belligerent in others.
How do we know where we are along the spectrum between submission and rebellion? Whenever we submit we tend to feel doubt, insecurity, confusion, fear, etc. Whenever we rebel we tend to feel anger, mistrust, frustration, etc.
Sound familiar?
But we're confident it's not part of our human nature to either be slaves--submitting without question to others, or to be rebels--forever at war with anyone who seems to oppose what we want.
People learn to replace the false sense of "choosing" whether they will submit or rebel with a deep understanding of what they most deeply value. And even more importantly, to negotiate from this position of internal authority and power and begin to create extremely satisfying relationships in all areas of their lives.
Nowhere in our schools, the entertainment media, or our popular literature are we ever taught to develop our internal sense of authority or how to foster the kind of trust, respect, and cooperation we need for our relationships to be based on our shared values.
But we believe that this is the essential core, the very foundation of our ability to be free from worry and to create stable relationships.
We hope this gives you some insight into what may be creating your experience in your relationships. We also hope this gives you a starting point for what you might begin to do so you can have a different experience.
Power of Positive Thinking - Better Relationships Now!